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  • Writer's pictureSher Gentile

LORD VADER IS MY ROLE MODEL....( and yes.. I am a “NICE” WOMAN...)

When I left you, I was but the learner. Now I am the master.”

— Darth Vader


I WANNA BE LIKE DARTH... (Except for the homicidal disregard for human life )


2020.. THE YEAR TO STOP PRACTICING.. AND MASTER..


The tools needed .. my trusty LIGHT SABER OF SELF COMPASSION,

Powered by the RESILIENCE I HAVE GATHERED..


I practice.. everything .. WHY? Because a huge part of me doesn’t

Feel I can be the MASTER. .. ( the “arrogance” of actually thinking that..)


So I dance .. I’m a “masterful” mover .. but I consider it “practice”.. I “love”.. but my emotions overtake my logic .. I overthink ..but I act in kindness, caring , helpfulness, appreciation, understanding and empathy .. so am I not PRO LEVEL? ( YEAH.. I AM.. I have learned from my losses, been knocked around enough, landed on my ass, picked up ass up.. I look beyond the pain in people .. schooled by my own pain.. I GET YOU.. more than I don’t ..) THIS IS NOT A DRILL.. I CONNECT ..


I READ.. EVERYTHING .. ( seriously).. I tell myself it’s because I NEED TO BE

SUPER SMART TO SURVIVE.. ( I’m cute .. but this .. ain’t gonna last forever ). The FACT is I READ BECAUSE OF MY FURIOUS CURIOSITY AND NEED TO UNDERSTAND.. I AM INDEED A MASTER OF THIS.. I can engage in useless trivia, politics ( maybe a bit too much), cognitive dissonance and quantum physics. ( I know this to be a fact as I briefly dated a man who graduated from Oxford .. we had conversations about quantum mechanics I readily engaged in.. but the sex .. ( British can be well.. “dry”.. ). Watch #thecrown..


I AM A MASTER IN MANY WAYS.. for that.. I boldly shall swing my “light saber”


BUT A MASTER .. IS ALWAYS A NOVICE .. ( at least the honest ones are).


I AM LEARNING TO “MASTER” ME.. What I think I know “for sure” often turns out to be .. less than ... I admit that .. ( In fact BRUCE PROBST during our “time” when you were “KING OF HBO and all things insightful” .. and I was your cute little companion who hung on your every word .. ), you often said this to me as I smiled and acted “not offended”. “ YOU DO NOT REALLY KNOW YOURSELF”.. I dismissed it. and you ... ( oh.. the conversations we could have now..)..


YOU WERE RIGHT .. 10 years later .. THE NOVICE IS WORKING HARD TO BECOME THE MASTER .. of herself .. understanding that’s the only damn thing she can control .. REACTIONS.. not FATE, not CIRCUMSTANCE... Not FIRE, not COVID.. not her lovely daughters .. NOT her wonderful and at times LONG-SUFFERING “man friend”.. MY OWN REACTIONS TO WHATEVER HAPPENS..NEXT..


I do prefer BLACK in my attire .. I am more DARTH LIKE than I realize ..


That CHANGES TODAY.


( now.. where are my “storm troopers”?..)




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