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  • Writer's pictureSher Gentile

2020.. ( OK..NOW WHAT?). 2021..( OK..WHAT NOW?)

WHAT DEPRESSION IS NOT......


SADNESS... JUST TO BE SAD


ALWAYS A CHEMICAL OR HORMONAL IMBALANCE


REGRET.. RUMINATION.. OBSESSION..


SELF ABSORBED THINKING


A BAD OR SAD MOOD


A REASON FOR MEDICATION, SELF MEDICATION... DISTRACTION


A WEAKNESS


__________________________________________________________



WHAT DEPRESSION IS..


A REACTION TO PILED ON TRAUMA

( TRAUMA IS REACTION TO ANYTHING THAT THREATENS YOUR LIFE OR THE LIFE OF SOMEONE YOU LOVE..)


SELF PROTECTION OF THE MIND..


A REACTION TO STRESS.. ANXIETY ... FEAR


“TOO MUCH” (AND THE MIND DECIDES THAT)


BEING STRONG FOR WAY TOO LONG..


____________________________________________________________



SO... 2020...


We have ways of dealing with TRAUMA RESPONSE.. we gloss, we ignore.. we internalize .. we obsess... we hurt.. we post selfies...etc.. etc.. DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE..


NYC HUMANS...


Watch NAT GEO.. See a Zebra... fresh from just barely escaping a lion..


She stops...she shakes... she grazes...


The EXPERIENCE.. she allows it to PASS THROUGH ..


WE GET STUCK...


I AM STUCK..


I am the WORST KIND FOR THIS..


Raised in the most WASPY home imaginable .. DEPRESSION.. even talking about emotions .. NO..

DEPRESSION WAS “UNHAPPY”.... “UNHAPPY” was selfish... and immature..

Given we had “no reason” to be UNHAPPY...


I AM A GEMINI... according to my “birthright”. ... I am supposed to be TWO people.. at least ... I AM .. FUNNY, ENGAGING.. CHATTY... and BROODING,

“SEARCHING”.. IT IS.. Because I was BORN IN JUNE..


MY STORY.. I RESCUE PEOPLE..( mostly to distract from saving myself)

RESCUING PEOPLE LEADS TO HEARTBREAK.


Perfect to DISGUISE MY .... DEPRESSION...


MY POINT IS THIS... 2020... well.. DAMN....


No one is getting out “ALIVE”...


2020.. ( death, job loss.. break ups.. break downs..).. FINALLY ..

got through to my WASPY stubbornness..


I am not “FINE”... my need to constantly be in motion.. using endorphins to mask depression.., Joking my way through things .. for the DOPAMINE... feeling like I would literally STOP BREATHING IF I HAD to be INSIDE for one more minute..(PANIC ATTACKS.. as I ran straight towards the park.. ignoring on coming traffic..)


2020... November 19... My tightly wound TRAUMA response mechanism FINALLY BROKE..


There was a fire... in the apartment next door... totally trashed... TOTALLY..


PREWAR BUILDINGS HOLD... ( these are glorified BOMB SHELTERS...). Smoke, soot, dirt.. demolition... air scrubbers... smells...


My TRAUMA DEFENSES went all WASPY...


I ..AM “FINE”... I was not injured. I am alive ..


Except I’m not... I haven’t been for a very LONG time..


I STOPPED... I went for days without trying to escape... ( I stopped dancing.. I stopped any real communication .. I went all “GEMINI” on the other side ..


No one noticed ... not even my boyfriend.. who is my enabler..


He admires my “STRENGTH”...


Christmas came and went .. I ordered off Amazon Prime.. sent holiday texts ..

Joked my way through it .. was even slightly relieved when someone Tested

Positive for Covid and through Christmas “PLANS” info cancellation ..


( yes.. I am aware that’s real messed up..)


MEANWHILE... I read, and I stopped writing .. mostly because I had nothing to say...


I also FELT DEPRESSED...


I WAS AND AM ... DEPRESSED..


I drank coffee to dull my appetite ...binged on the last season of POWER.. ( ultra drama with gruesome death scenes..). NO ONE STAYS ALIVE IN POWER.. ( RIP GHOST)...


I took stabs at RECOVERY... beat myself up because I had the “FUCK ITS”..

Listened to DAN HARRIS tell me how I can be 10 percent happier.. and organized my closets and lipstick collection.. .


I spent the rest of the time ... feeling like a complete FRAUD...


I AM DEPRESSED... I HAVE BEEN FOR YEARS...


THIS HAS LED TO BASICALLY EVERY QUESTIONABLE THING I HAVE DONE..


( “questionable”.. being anything that did not work out like a fairy tale. .. leaving me free to move on .. numb ... but further into survival mode)


2021...


HELLO... I DO NOT HAVE THE ANSWERS... I HAVE LOTS OF UNRESOLVED

ISSUES...

I HAVE UNRESOLVED TRAUMA.. dating back to 1976.. or earlier..


I have run from “ suffering” so I have not healed... I have hurt so long I am numb...


( I love you DAN HARRIS...and I suspect ..this .. caused your panic attack ..)


ANYWAY..



I AM HERE AND I AM PHYSICALLY HEALTHY..


I AM NOT REALLY ALIVE...


I ... HAVE TO CHANGE THAT...


I suspect ..my NYC PALS... many. MANY OF YOU FEEL THE FUCK ITS.

( FUCK IT... LETS JUST “DO THIS”

FUCK IT... ITS MORNING AGAIN..

FUCK IT...SIGH... SIGH.. SIGH...)


YOU ARE DEPRESSED...


IT IS A STATE.. NOT TO DEFINE BY... BUT TO ACKNOWLEDGE....


IT IS THE TRUTH..


IT IS “TEARS OF A CLOWN”....


IT IS UNRESOLVED TRAUMA... ON TOP OF THE LAST PILE OF UNRESOLVED TRAUMA..


WE ARE NOT BROKEN... BUT WE DO NEED SOME REPAIR..


REPAIR IS HEALING..


THIS STARTS MY REAL STORY...I WAS THERE... NOW... I HAVE TO

CLEAN IT UP.. the same way I do for others... KINDNESS AND COMPASSION..


ASKING MYSELF ...”WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU..”.

( HEALING STARTS WITH MYSELF ALLOWING IT..)


THIS IS ABOUT US.. MASKING THINGS.. TAPING UP WOUNDS..

NOT WANTING TO SEE “BLOOD”...


GOTTA “BLEED”..


SMALL STEPS BACK... TO “LIFE”...


MORE TO COME.... ❤️❤️❤️





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